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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Is it all about sex?

Do you find that physical intimacy (or the lack thereof) is overpowering your relationship?

Before my major breakup with the lady I once cherished which really broke my pint-sized heart into a million little pieces, there were loopholes in our relationship that, even then, I recognised as problems.
For example; on one of our breakups we decided to take time out to get to know one another again and start over. During this period sex was a no no and communication was key. She didn’t like this and so we fought about it constantly.
She complained that she needed the intimacy and that it was a strong factor in our relationship. She said it was one of the only – I repeat – the only ways she could show me that she loved me. And so we proceeded to have very un-intimate sex because I gave in way too many times.
Of course then I tried to break up with her, because I was becoming unhappy, but this too became difficult because she then ‘needed me’ and I ‘made her happy’… and blah blah blah…
But there was a pattern here; every time I tried to end the relationship, the sweet talking came, and every time we took a break in our relationship to see whether we could work things out, the intimacy issue came up… and so I had to ask myself a few tough questions so that I could decide whether this was all worth the trouble.
And here they are:

Is the relationship fine without the sex?
The communication, the equality, the friendship and of course the intimacy are elements in a stable relationship. But without the physical intimacy, is the emotional intimacy still there?
Does she hold your hand even though you turned your back to her last night? Is she still kissing you like she usually does? Or has she become moody about it? Is she complaining that you don’t have enough sex even though you’ve explained to her the reasons why you don’t want to be having sex?
And more importantly, are you beginning to feel like the physical intimacy is the foundation of your relationship altogether?

When there is intimacy is it for the both of you?
When you are physically intimate, is there emotional gain for the both of you afterwards? Does she turn over and go to sleep? Does she get dressed and go home even if it’s after three in the morning?
Ask yourself how you feel afterward. Do you want to held? Or do you want her to go away?

Is there communication during intimacy?
Does she know what is important to you when you’re being physically intimate? Ask yourself whether she is doing all the right things to make you feel secure and happy during sexual encounters.
And then, finally ask yourself:
If we don’t have sex and if there was no physical intimacy at all, would we still be happy together?
Although physical intimacy is important and may very well be a great plus in your relationship, it should not be the foundation for it. I think that there are other things that are more important than how often you have sex.
One thing that I've learnt from giving in rather than talking about the situation at hand, was that the other issues couldn’t be resolved with sex and even after there was a sexual encounter, the problems were still there, plain as daylight.

Do you find that physical intimacy sometimes complicates a relationship? Tell us your opinion in the comment box below…

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